What My Bones Know is “a memoir of healing from complex trauma” by Stephanie Foo. It was a raw retelling of her life, including very disturbing scenes from her childhood. For those with trauma, you may want to skip over part one. She also dove into deep research when she was (re)given her diagnosis – C-PTSD. Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is not officially recognized as separate from PTSD in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). Published by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM’s most recent edition (2022) still does not list it as a separate diagnosis. It does include some current research on it and the symptoms that are different from PTSD.
Stephanie shares that “…having triggers doesn’t make you a fragile little snowflake. It makes you human. Everyone has them, or will have them eventually, because everyone will experience some form of trauma.”
“These triggers are only considered PTSD when an event is so traumatic that it triggers symptoms like panic attacks, nightmares, blackouts, and flashbacks – when the emotional response becomes debilitating.”
C-PTSD is different in that a person is exposed to a traumatic event many times over a period of years.
“When you are traumatized that many times, the number of conscious and subconscious triggers bloats, becomes infinite and inexplicable. If you are beaten for hundreds of mistakes, then every mistake becomes dangerous. If dozens of people let you down, all people become trustworthy. The world itself becomes a threat.”
For Stephanie, the people who foundationally let her down were her parents and her relatives who defended them. Growing up in a violent household, she was isolated and confused. She made excuses for her parents and mistook what she received as love. Then her mother left her and her father effectively left her, abandoning her as a teenager. Her relatives defended them in a way that’s probably very familiar to Asians, and specifically Chinese kids. Themes of elder respect, filiality, and not speaking about it. Of course, this does not exist only in Asian families and communities or for every single Asian family and community.
Later, she learned that her family in Malaysia knew and agreed not to say anything. They believed saying anything would not stop the abuse and would make things worse for her father, their family. Her aunt told her that “everyone is kind to you because everyone knows that you suffer a lot. That’s why they’re so kind to you. Because when you’re young, they realized. You suffer a lot.” When Stephanie was little, she felt alone and wondered why no one came to help her when her mother hit her. So instead, they took her out for ice cream, treated her like their favourite, and always praised her.
Her parents clearly had their own trauma. It wasn’t something she was able to uncover. Many immigrant parents of her friends did as well. Some fled their worn-torn homeland and lived in refugee camps. Where she lived – San Jose – had the biggest Vietnamese population outside of Vietnam. This is what she’s called their foundational trauma and dives into this subject in her book, like in Chapter thirty.
Stephanie also shone a light on some dark stains in history that many brush aside. This includes the Chinese Massacre of 1871. I wrote about this in my travel blog about Union Station in Los Angeles. Underlying and overt racist tones and treatment add to feeling isolated. Her boss at This American Life called her “different”. The topic of being immigrant or a child of immigrants in the US is a conversation that has become more commonplace. There is both storyteller and audience ready to be present to these experiences.
☞ Here’s an article that discusses PTSD, C-PTSD, and the DSM.
So Stephanie’s book, What My Bones Know, a title with a visceral quality, is an important book about PTSD, C-PTSD, identity, family, love, healing, and more. Published in 2022, the book also details a time that was unprecedented for us. It was a time many more people struggled with their mental health and many experienced trauma. She broached a diversity of topics she encountered on her healing journey. In her investigation, she not only searches for answers about trauma and C-PTSD. She also questions accessibility and affordability of therapy and other modalities. The disconnect between need and availability of mental health support has sharply been highlighted in the past few years. This is the time during which Stephanie also wrote about. After years of talk therapy, she was ready to try other options, including Acupuncture and EMDR.
EMDR
EMDR, invented by Francine Shapiro in 1987, has become quite well-known and mainstream. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization. In the beginning, practitioners led clients through eye movements to process and rewire memories. Now practitioners use a machine with handheld buzzers and headphones. The buzzers vibrate while a sound is emitted on alternating sides. While Stephanie didn’t ultimately continue with EMDR, this is when she first realized she was in fact highly dissociated. “I no longer had my old tools of dissociation: work, booze, forgetfulness – a comfortable suit of armour that allowed me to move forward blindly. Now I had nothing bu time, the excruciating expanse of leisure. And without my armour, I was raw, the elements scraping against exposed muscle. What’s behind the veil? Pain.” By then she had already realized that “maybe work was not a salvation. Maybe it was a symptom.”
Also, she shared that “there is a difference between knowing and understanding. I had known that this wasn’t my fault. EDMR unlocked the gate to the next realm, toward understanding.”
Perhaps more importantly, she learned what she labelled as “two critical things” –
- “Just because the wound doesn’t hurt doesn’t mean it’s healed. … over the years I’d smoothed perfect white layers of spackle over gaping structural holes.”
- “My parents didn’t love me.” That they never did and could not, because they hated themselves too much and it wasn’t about her.
With each realization, she felt more “normal” and better, for longer periods of time. It really wasn’t until working with Dr Jacob Ham, a psychologist at Mount Sinai and the director for the Centre for Child Trauma and Resilience that major breakthrough came. It could be all the years of therapy and other work loosened the substrate enough for the soil to be replanted.
While EMDR can be effective, for some people, this would not be the starting point. According to an article by Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Los Angeles, the Clinical Practice Guidelines for the Treatment of PTSD released in 2025 now recommends EMDR as a second-line therapy. One reason is because of the “emotional and logistical burden” – that it can be too much for some.
(A Different Kind of) Talk Therapy
Having quit her highly-paid (and highly stressful) job, Stephanie was draining her savings. After hearing Dr Jacob Ham on a podcast, she sought him out for answers. What happened next was most unexpectedly. In exchange for recording their sessions, Dr Ham offered to treat Stephanie for free. He offered to try it for four months with no obligation. Normally he charged $400/hour and also as the director, his time was limited.
This audio recording of the sessions actually turned out to be a good method for Stephanie. She found the distance easier for her to see what was going on. From her notes, she could discern when it happens and track things over time.
Also, there was an ease between Stephanie and Dr Ham. In their sessions, he called her out on her default defense systems, how she immediately went “there”. He didn’t do it out of judgment. It was curiosity. He reminded her – “curiosity, not self-blame”. He wanted to understand the process. And he was honest when he lost awareness about his own behaviour. It was a safe space. And it sounded like there was a lot of laughing.
Over time, she learned what was understandable reactions. She was always afraid that she was too much or that she was only making it about herself. She realized that it was okay to be feeling sad and that it took time for that to move. That it was okay to basically take a mental health day and not feel guilty or bad about yourself. And not to assume that people are behaving a certain way because they think you’re bad.
There are a lot of gems in this book.
Unwavering Love and Support
In the Author’s Note, Stephanie explained the necessity of sharing what her trauma is. She also warned readers, “this book has a happy ending.”
And it does. By the time (spoiler alert) their wedding rolled around, I couldn’t help but feel immense joy for her and them. I cried. It wasn’t clear until it happened that it was really going to happen. It wasn’t a certainty. Healthy relationships is a general challenge, especially so for those with C-PTSD. Credit to Joey who promised he would be okay with her trauma. For someone with trauma, a fight isn’t necessarily a fight. It can quickly devolve into “I’m a bad person” or “I just hate myself and I wish I was dead” and this was something Stephanie struggled with. I mean it’s probably quite common for all of us to question, at some point, “what did I do wrong?” Over the years, Joey kept repeating that it’s just a fight. And then you repair it. She started to believe that it’s okay to make mistakes.
For Stephanie, her anger had been her power. “It was what protected me. Without it, wouldn’t I be sad and naked?” She learned to be more and more naked with Joey.
From her sessions with Dr Ham, Stephanie also realized that her nagging was due to her fear that Joey’s lifestyle would lead to death. And abandonment. They spoke about how to talk to Joey about her fears directly.
And it wasn’t just Joey. It was his whole family who early on claimed her as one of their own. Also, some of her family came to her wedding. Not her father or her mother.
It was also a happy ending, and a happy day for her since she realized that she’d been “scattering goodness all around like fun-sized chocolates accidentally falling out of my purse as I moved through the world. Perhaps the only real thing that was broken was the image I had of myself – punishing and unfair, narrow and hypercritical. Perhaps what was really happening was that, along with all of my flaws, I was a f/cking wonder.”
In the Acknowledgements, she thanked everyone, and to Joey – “thank yo for taking care of me all throughout the creation of this book. For listening, incessantly, openly, generously, about every treatment, every meditation, every grudge, for washing the dishes and doing the laundry. For your faith, your emotional labour, your thoughtful critiques. For your love. I couldn’t have done this without you.”
For Investigation
In the notes, Stephanie Foo has referenced many articles, podcasts, and books. Here are some books-
- Journey Through Trauma: A Trail Guide to the 5-Phase Cycle of Healing Repeated Trauma by Gretchen L Schmelzer (4.5 on Goodreads; link)
- Psychotherapy: The Purchase of Friendship by William Schofield (first published in 1964, a critique of the modern psychiatric field; link)
- How Emotions are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett (4.1 on Goodreads; link)
- Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert Sapolsky (Goodreads Choice Award nominee; link)
- Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence-from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman (4.4 on Goodreads; link)
- The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (4.4 on Goodreads from 255,718 reviews; link)
- Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb (4.6; link)
What My Bones Know is both an easy and a difficult read. It is well-worth the time if you have someone who has PTSD or C-PTSD. Or if you are someone on any kind of healing journey. It’s an intimate and also generally relatable stories. In this article, I’ve only written about the broad strokes. It’s informational and a well-told story. Perhaps there are nuggets in the book that is your aha.
For Stephanie, it is a healING journey. “I wouldn’t describe myself as healed from complex PTSD. I wouldn’t even say I am in remission.” She now understands that it is “a wily shape-shifter” and she has to face it differently each time it shows up. What’s helped her to ground is counting colours. Since her diagnosis, she also now has hope and agency. This too shall pass – “I know my feelings, no matter how disconsolate they are, are temporary.”
What My Bones Know has 4.5 stars on Goodreads, with over 68,000 reviews. If you feel like purchasing the book, I’d appreciate it if you use my referral link.
